SIX LESSONS FROM STEVEN SEAGAL-
1. If you're ever in a convenience store and Steven Seagal walks in-get out! All holy hell's about to break loose.
2. Every knife in the world, even when it's being pulled out of a dead guy's chest, makes the sound of a saber being drawn out of a metal scabbard.
3. If a dozen guys with automatic weapons are trying to kill you, and you're unarmed, and you've just taken a machine gun away from a guy and killed him with your bare hands, FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T PICK UP THE GUN AND TAKE IT WITH YOU! As long as you're running in the open without a weapon they won't be able to shoot you...
4. Don't ever help Steven Seagal. If you help him, you will be killed...unless you're a Playboy playmate, of course, heh-heh...
5. About ten years ago, Steven Seagal acquired the wig Tony Perkins wore in "Psycho," covered it with black shoe polish, and insists it's his real hair. Could someone at least convince him to push it farther back on his head? His hairline now is four inches closer to his eyebrows than it was in 1986.
6. All of Steven Seagal's movies are shot in Bulgaria and Romania, because if they were shot anywhere warm, all those layers of black clothing would cause him to pass out if he had to stand up quickly.