PUNISHING THE CARE GIVER

Let's establish a baseline for rudeness to start with. Imagine you're a divorced woman attending a BBQ at a friend's. You meet a man and begin a friendly conversation. You mention a son or daughter and the man asks if you have children. Yes, you say; two grown daughters. The man responds, "Two kids? That must mean that you have sagging breasts and lots of stretch marks." He gets up and leaves.

Can we agree that this would be rude of the man in question? And yet that is the equivalent of the behavior of a disturbing number of women; most of whom consider themselves to be intelligent, sensitive and caring individuals. As long as the man can be imagined as a "Momma's boy," before the speaker knows any facts, any and all character assassination is not only acceptable, but lauded as "being careful" or "dodging a bullet." You would be astounded at the things women have actually said to my face. They are, in every way, the equivalent of the rude man in the example.

The timing of this cultural drift couldn't be worse. The very women making these judgements have aging parents themselves, and they may or may not have the financial means to pay someone else to take care of their loved ones. In 30 years THEY will need assistance. Would they rather spend their final years with loved ones, or living in a care facility?

No, you don't get to catch me getting all superior and holier-than-thou. If I could pay my own expenses and several thousand a month for my mom's housing, food and care, I would probably do so. Since my disability payments are about half of the federal poverty level, this is not possible. I need housing at no cost and Mom needs help. It is that simple.

The cultural trope here is of a man who has never lived independently, never had a relationship with a woman; possibly never even dated. People who actually know me might say that, if anything, I've dated too much. I've been engaged twice and had one disastrous 6-month marriage.

The answer seems simple; just don't tell anyone where you live or any of your circumstances. Not so easy to do when I need to co-ordinate schedules with my sister before making any plans, so she can take over for a set period of time while I'm out. The average 45+ woman today has finely-tuned radar. Why can't we go back to his place? What's he trying to hide? Does his wife know he's doing this? The desire to be safe trumps (rightly so) any/all other considerations.

There's nothing rude or callous about dodging a situation that might feel weird. Stamping me as an emotional cripple, social outcast and possible deviant however, is not only acceptable by standards of the culture-at-large, but encouraged by friends, relatives and (especially) mass media. To someone trying to learn how to date taking the limitations of a disability into account, this situation results in not only confusion and anger, but pain and stress that make my condition worse.

A wise friend told me, "You just happen to live in the one country in the world that takes such an attitude," and he's right. To any woman in a Latin American country, no REAL man would do anything other than what I'm doing now, and I am respected by all the Latin women I know. "What you are doing shows that you are capable of making a commitment and sticking to it, even at personal cost. What real woman would NOT want this in a man?"

Which leads us to a judgement many of the same women make, "Oh, those women in Mexico/Colombia/wherever are only interested in one thing" these women proclaim, as if not using the term "scheming whore" somehow makes their observation generous. Yes, women in these countries are interested in one thing; a man who isn't drunk all the time, doesn't cheat on them and doesn't beat them up.

The things that bother us tend to point to things about ourselves we're uncomfortable with, or are in denial about. The one comment tells me a lot about the speaker; mainly that they totally support their single friends when they "marry well," or are able to ditch one guy for another who can support both of them nicely on his own income, leaving them free from the constraints of earning a living.

Maybe the reason this bothers me so much is that it makes me face my own prejudices. I give more weight to appearance than I should. When faced with an attractively-plain middle-aged woman looking for someone with a high-five-figure income who decides in less than 30 seconds that she has successfully diagnosed a psychopath, versus an attractive intelligent woman half my age who admires and respects me, which one do I choose (I must pause at this point because I am laughing so hard I trigger a coughing fit)?

Any time you make the "probably lives with his mother" comment, you not only perpetuate a damaging cultural stereotype, you create a prison for yourself. All of us are getting older, and predictions are that as much as 50% of the boomer generation will be afflicted with either Alzheimer's or Parkinson's (or both). When your son is faced with decisions about your care, remember this little tirade and ask yourself, "Given my attitudes, how eager is he going to be to include me in his life when I can no longer take care of myself?" Start some long-term insurance now, ladies, because you're locking yourself into a situation where your son is going to feel shame and guilt for putting your care into strangers' hands, or shame and guilt over taking care of you. Does this make you feel more comfortable about your future?

This August, we will move out of the house we're renting, and I will be free of care giving for the first time in 20 years. I will be free to date whoever and wherever I want. I will be in Mazatlan and/or Cabo in October, enjoying the surf and sun. I will spend my nights in the company of a beautiful Latina who admires and respects me. I'll be a "typical shallow male," in other words. But ladies, that's a step up from emotionally retarded deviant, isn't it?